


Survivor

by DGCatAniSiri



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-22
Updated: 2014-06-22
Packaged: 2018-02-05 18:48:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1828444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DGCatAniSiri/pseuds/DGCatAniSiri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the first time that Shepard has encountered a thresher maw since Akuze. He holds together just long enough to get the Mako back to the ship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Survivor

**Author's Note:**

> Has the same background for Shepard as [Cascade,](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1828263) but doesn't fit into its story structure.

Akuze. Blood. Sweat. Sand. Wind. Pain. Screams. Panic. Terror.

The words swirled around in John Shepard’s head. All he could see in his mind’s eye was the sight of his unit, his friends, his family, dead and dying, while the... thing let out a roar as it burst out of the ground and overlooked them all, letting out a roar that still haunted Shepard’s nightmares. At any other time, the electric blue appendage that, to the human eye, looked like it was something akin to a tongue could be considered humorous. Here, though, it was a directed taunt towards him. 

“Shepard? Shepard!”

Shepard jerked back into reality. He was in the _Normandy’s_ Mako, and there was a thresher maw above them. He banked the Mako away from the center of the nest. He could just make out a transmitter there in the center of the nest, beside a Grizzly tank. Whoever had been in that tank was probably dead by now.

And, if something wasn’t done quickly, so would Shepard and his team. 

“Someone...” Shepard swallowed, trying to steady his voice. Given the panic of the others and the way he was jerking the Mako around to avoid the acid spit of the thresher, they probably didn’t notice. “Someone get on the rocket launcher and guns! Don’t let up on your fire for anything! Once it’s in your sights, fire and don’t stop until that thing dies!” It almost came out solidly, which was all that Shepard thought it needed to. 

The design flaw of the Mako that rendered it incapable of being driven in a straight line proved to be an asset in avoiding the beast from hell. Between that and Shepard’s own rather reckless driving ability, the Mako miraculously remained relatively undamaged while Garrus poured bullets from the machine gun into the thresher maw and Kaidan regularly fired off the rockets at it. The maw finally went down. 

Feeling his pulse hammering and his heart about to beat out of his chest, Shepard worked to clamp down on his emotions before issuing orders. “Sound off. Everyone okay?”

“When the floor stops moving, I will be,” Garrus murmured. Shepard could relate. 

He brought the Mako to a stop with its back to the corpse of the maw. He didn’t want to see it. The team investigated the Grizzly tank and the corpses, dead for at least a few days already, around it, Kaidan ID’ing the men as being under Admiral Kahoku’s command. After having confirmed that, Shepard had Joker swing the Normandy around and pick them up. 

He made sure not to even acknowledge the thresher as he brought the Mako back into place in the hold. He just ordered a team to go down to the planet below and recover the bodies, knowing that no one deserved to be left behind to rot alongside one of those things and returned to his quarters, finally appreciating having a private room to himself.

All that he had seen on Akuze flooded into his mind. The thresher burst out of the ground, catching them by surprise and tearing their tank apart. The fall from their sudden rise in the air threw Takeru against the ceiling, breaking his neck, and a shot of the thresher’s acid spit had hit Lindsey, dissolving the flesh on her face almost instantly. Shepard could still hear her screams of pain in his mind. Before they’d had a chance to realize just what had happened, a tentacle slammed into the tank, causing the other members to fall separately. He hadn’t seen how they’d died, just seeing their unmoving bodies littering the nest. 

Too easily, that could have been him. And Kaidan and Garrus as well. All it would have taken was him not turning them quickly enough or a few bullets or missiles that missed and the three of them would have been dead. Or if he hadn’t been shaken out of his frozen state. Or any number of his own boneheaded stupidity keeping him from doing something about the thresher maw that had been attempting to kill them. 

It took some time before the door buzzed. Shepard let it, not getting up from his bed, wanting to be left alone as he pulled himself back together from seeing that damn thing. After a moment, though, the door slid open, as if of its own command. Kaidan was on the other side of it, explaining that. He stepped inside and closed the door again behind him. 

“Commander?” A brief pause. “John?” Kaidan rarely used Shepard’s first name. It made Shepard pay attention, rather than just tune him out. “How are you doing?”

“How do you think?” Shepard bit off. 

Gently, Kaidan came closer and finally sat down on the bed next to him. “I can’t imagine what seeing another one of those things must have been like,” Kaidan said softly. Shepard knew what he was trying to do, trying to get him talking. He didn’t want to talk about it. The thing was dead. The thing that had killed Kahoku’s men was dead. The thing that had wiped out his squad but left him just barely clinging to life was dead.

Then Shepard felt Kaidan pull his face to look at him. “John, talk to me. Please.” It was the way that Kaidan said it that made something in Shepard crack slightly, made the words start coming out.

“All I could see was their faces,” Shepard said softly. “All of them.” Lindsey Ellis, the glue of the team and her ever-present smile, Marco Toombs, the practical joker, Alonso Wills, Marco’s perpetual straight man and long-suffering accomplice, Takeru Cohen, the boisterous Japanese-African who never met an explosion he didn’t want to outdo, Fer Calvo, the squad’s Casanova who never slept alone, and Leah Brody, whose fiery Irish disposition matched her hair. The whole squad had become Shepard’s second family. And they’d all been ripped away from him in a matter of minutes by the thresher on Akuze. “It’s been six years, but the second that I saw that thing...” Shepard looked away, though Kaidan kept his hand in place, gently rubbing against Shepard’s cheekbone.

“You never really get over something like that, do you?” Kaidan asked gently. “To be honest, Shepard, the fact that you managed to hold it together out there... That seriously impresses me. I don’t think I could have been that strong.”

Shepard shook his head. “That wasn’t strength, Kaidan. That was hiding from it. You and Garrus dealt with it. I just kept the Mako moving around until you managed to kill it.” That kill was far from his. Shepard had kept his eyes on the control panel as he’d attempted to dodge the poisonous slime that the maw threw towards them, refusing to even look to the creature out to kill them. 

Kaidan shook his head. “Shepard, you kept it together when you were faced with what had to be a creature from your nightmares. Without you at the wheel of the Mako, Garrus and I would be dead right now. You kept us alive. That’s strength, whether you want to call it that or not.” Kaidan’s voice had lowered to a softer tone.

Despite Kaidan’s words, Shepard wasn’t convinced. He still felt that he’d hidden from what had happened, had retreated from facing those demons head on. But having Kaidan here, Shepard was finding it hard to bring himself to argue. Though the belief that Kaidan had in him... It was surprising how much that meant to Shepard. Still, so many disbelieving words were on the tip of his tongue – he wasn’t the great hero that the Alliance had made him into after Akuze, he was just a man who had gotten lucky and survived. But he’d still been the one who’d been in charge of the assignment. The one in charge was always the one responsible. And dammit, Shepard had been in charge then, and he was still in charge now. And now he had so much more on his shoulders... He had to shoulder that weight alone.

“Kaidan...” Shepard didn’t know how that sentence was going to go, and he didn’t get to find out, as Kaidan’s lips were suddenly on his. He moaned softly as Kaidan pulled him close. 

“Shepard... Just relax,” Kaidan whispered as he pulled back. 

Softly, Shepard shook his head. “I can’t. I have to stay strong. I’m the Commander-”

“You’re also a man, John. A man who expects too much from himself. You’re not made of steel.” Kaidan pressed a gentle kiss to Shepard’s forehead. “You walked away, remember? You made sure that we got out of it alive. Garrus and I would have died without your driving. You kept us alive.”

Despite having a desire to just stay in the pool of misery that he felt, Kaidan was dragging him out of it. But Shepard was nothing if not stubborn. “Kaidan, I couldn’t even look at it. When it burst out of the ground I nearly wet myself in terror, just thinking about Akuze.” And it was a good thing that Shepard knew that this conversation wasn’t leaving the room, because he’d never live that down if it got out.

“It’s a natural reaction, John,” Kaidan said soothingly. “You went through hell there, why wouldn’t you be afraid of facing it again?”

“Because I’m a grown man, a marine. I’m not supposed to let these things break me like that. And...” He realized that he’d actually been crying. He laughed at himself. “And I’m here, breaking down in your arms, and all over memories.” He was pathetic. The galaxy was riding on his shoulders? They were doomed.

And yet, he didn’t want Kaidan to let him go. Kaidan even seemed to pick up on it. “Shepard. We all need to break down sometimes. You’re allowed to not be strong all the time.” Kaidan’s voice lowered to a husky tone that, under other circumstances, would have resulted in Shepard wanting to shuck off his clothes and take Kaidan right now. “Sometimes you need to just... let go. It doesn’t make you weak to feel pain or guilt. It makes you human.”

Human. The thing that he was trying to prove to the Council and the Citadel races was not some curse or pox, but instead something worthwhile, that there was a contribution that humanity could make to the intergalactic community. Being human was no curse or burden. It was strength, even in weakness. 

It took a few deep breaths, but Shepard got himself back under control. The pain and guilt was still there. It would never really go away – survivor’s guilt didn’t work that way. But he HAD gone up against a second thresher maw and survived. He, Kaidan, and Garrus had come across one and made it home. Hell, they could have made a trophy out of it. He had made it through. He’d survived two thresher attacks. Was he really going to let it destroy him emotionally?

Kaidan sensed Shepard’s fear recede. He smiled at Shepard, who returned it. Shepard kissed him softly. “Thank you, Kaidan. For... being here.”

“That’s my plan, John. As long as you want me, I’m here.” 

Shepard laid down on the bed, motioning for Kaidan to join him. Shepard felt Kaidan’s arms wrap around him, holding him close, and promising security. Shepard closed his eyes and slept peacefully.


End file.
